To become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine, that is a curse. A pundit shrap. Now we don’t have these passionate disagreements anymore, where we both had the same problem, both thinking we are always right. The monster-reader she was, "stuck a bookmark in my heart and walked away". We reached that milestone where I have to traverse a desert for days and days while holding a glass of water, and though I may die of thirst, I shall not drink. Because you were that glass.
So she did far worse than killing me, she hurt me, and she intends to go on, hurting me. She left me as I left her, as she left them. Marooned for all eternity at the centre of a dead planet. Buried alive. But of all the souls I met on my journey, she was certainly the most human. She was seductive, endlessly fascinating, but eternally elusive. I could imagine marrying someone like her because she wanted someone who will not leave, no matter hard it is to be with her, and I promised to follow her into the dark. While she would have been my priority, I would have been a mere option.
So she did far worse than killing me, she hurt me, and she intends to go on, hurting me. She left me as I left her, as she left them. Marooned for all eternity at the centre of a dead planet. Buried alive. But of all the souls I met on my journey, she was certainly the most human. She was seductive, endlessly fascinating, but eternally elusive. I could imagine marrying someone like her because she wanted someone who will not leave, no matter hard it is to be with her, and I promised to follow her into the dark. While she would have been my priority, I would have been a mere option.
We should have known that forever is a long long time. And time has a way of changing things.
For the past few weeks, there was no phone, no internet. Just me, a carpet and a direction. Now I’ve been staring at my phone waiting for its light to shine because she was that light. I smiled to myself, content. But it was only football scores notifications and David Beckham retirement. Facepalm.
I’m writing from my orchard where branches sway and creak with yawns of awakening. Slowly, petals begin to fall. Until the air is full of petals sighing. Soon my kitchen garden has a thousand petals scattered over it, contrasting the brown soil with soft reds. Like rose petals at a wedding.
But she was my light, my water.
Someone bright, not to alter.
In the old backyard, I can see rocks surrounding a small tree. Each one is in the form of an independent brick or a ball, and yet they nestle and cuddle with one another for support. Each has an upper side that reflects the sky and a mysterious dark underside. These rocks have been partners for so long they have grown toward one another and are blended by their mutual mosses and lichens. So I end up curled in a foetal position in the middle of my garden.
Light, water, mosses, lichens. Sounds like ingredients for a one syllable word heavy as a heartbeat or for a sort of traffic accident of the heart - Diane Ackerman. Or for the L word pour une éponge jamais essorée.Mon coeur. (comme si j’en avais un).
Someone bright, not to alter.
In the old backyard, I can see rocks surrounding a small tree. Each one is in the form of an independent brick or a ball, and yet they nestle and cuddle with one another for support. Each has an upper side that reflects the sky and a mysterious dark underside. These rocks have been partners for so long they have grown toward one another and are blended by their mutual mosses and lichens. So I end up curled in a foetal position in the middle of my garden.
Light, water, mosses, lichens. Sounds like ingredients for a one syllable word heavy as a heartbeat or for a sort of traffic accident of the heart - Diane Ackerman. Or for the L word pour une éponge jamais essorée.
For long, I tried playing up the melodramatic aspect because it’s easier if you make the end of your relation funny, put on a mask, and act like it’s not bothering you. But a total fiasco. Today, I can just go to her grave and whisper that “mieux vaut mourir incompris que passer sa vie à s’expliquer”- William Shakespeare.
Still I wish we could talk. But I know what she did was for our good. Burning the bridges because Melchizedek must have preached her that ce que l'homme ne veut pas apprendre par la sagesse, il l'apprendra par la souffrance. So sit still and look around, “cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me. And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet. You'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving, I'm not” moving on. Even if she won’t be where we met or will never come to Paris.
Still I wish we could talk. But I know what she did was for our good. Burning the bridges because Melchizedek must have preached her that ce que l'homme ne veut pas apprendre par la sagesse, il l'apprendra par la souffrance. So sit still and look around, “cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me. And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet. You'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving, I'm not” moving on. Even if she won’t be where we met or will never come to Paris.
Pour que tout soit consommé, pour que je me sente moins seul, il me reste à souhaiter qu’il y ait beaucoup de spectateurs le jour de ma mort et qu’ils m’accueillent avec de belles paroles mais surtout qu’ils me pardonnent et qu’elle me pardonne.
How am I supposed to smile when you refuse to?
How am I to live when you have ceased to?
- ZT
.jpg) |
| A Love Witness |
