It’s an unpleasant day, like these past few days, leaving me with thoughts of how to disappear without hurting anyone, without making anyone worry about where I am, how I am and in which state I could be. Or thoughts on starting to drink in order to heal my sorrow, but the naughty Ann Landers left me with a warning saying that people who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrows know how to swim. Then Ernest Hemingway argued with her that intelligent men are sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. So swimming and fools lead me to swimming with fools. And it seems like it’s not an option, whether it’s a good or a bad option.
But I was left with nothing, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow. In the beginning she haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, she was slipping away, falling apart in my memory and everyone else’s dying again.
A kid sitting in the train next to me reminded me of her and how she had caprices of a marvelous unexpectedness, but how is any one to imitate a caprice? No options.
Even cries were not an option. Because, my mind, my soul, my heart, they would have asked me pourquoi leurs pleurs sont-ils supérieurs aux nôtres. Et je m’interroge. Je me la pose cette question, une question qui les dérange tant, une question étouffée, pour qu’il n’y reste que des sanglots, des gémissements, voir rien. Le génocide des émotions était annoncé.
So how will I come out from this sorrow? I’ll wrap myself with other people joy because I’ll find success only with sincerity, personal integrity, humility, courtesy, wisdom and the most important, charity, telling me to stay away from all sins.
He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise
…
And throughout all eternity
I forgive you
You forgive me
- William Blake, Broken Love
At the end, I met her… and the first things she said were “pleased to meet you! Hope you guess my name!” The devil?! A parachute woman?! Or the road to success by killing your emotions, forbidding you to think for yourself. Because dreams to achieve were left.