It is those days where you want to stay numb,
unconscious in your bed waiting for a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from a
stranger, un bouche à bouche. I’m laying
in bed in the opposite side like someone left dead, a dead body shot which fell
down on the bed. I started to write this post half asleep with all my clothes
on after a boring party where I got the syndrome of how-to-feel-alone-in-a-crowded-place.
I’m still thinking of us, I can’t get over her,
I can’t move on. MOVE ON? How can you use such small words for such a big step
in your life? I can still remember how the wind blew hard on our destiny and we
swirled around each other like snowflakes refusing to melt on the floor. But at
the end she melts and I’m still swirling around despair this time not love
anymore. I did something so wrong to her that I could not have argued that it
was unfair had I been required to pay with my own life. So I chose isolation
for myself, a timeless place to pay for the time she wasted for me.
She must be hating herself for knowing that I’m
not worth so much sadness, that such an outlay of mental energy is entirely
wasted and useless. But she feels it anyway, and she cries in the shower or
into her pillow or anytime something reminds her of me.
I can imagine her walking by shops and offices
on the sidewalk, going somewhere or maybe not going anywhere in particular,
feeling like the music in her ears is a soundtrack to her sadness. This song
makes her think of me, that song comes close to capturing how lonely she is
without me. She isolates herself physically because she feels so isolated
inside, surrounded by people, she is still alone, because she had been
abandoned by that one person who made her feel somehow less alone. And the
syndrome of how-to-feel-alone-in-a-crowded-place made a new victim.
I want to scream out loud “leave me alone” to
thoughts, memories, friends, family, acquaintance and you… but it’s useless. The
pros and cons of isolation started to blow up in my skull, in my cranium, in my
crâne. I want to restart
my life, éloigné du monde et du bruit,
away from faces I don’t want to see again, from places I want to forget, to run
away from sweet memories I once loved.
From an unconventional point of view, being
alone is a very beautiful thing as long as nobody is obstructing your vision, a
complete panoramic vision. Contemplate the beauty of nature, listen to birds,
learn from animals, observe the flow of water near a river, responding to every
mood from tranquillity to turbulence, and meditate, meditate and meditate. Donate
yourself to this lively world, where anything can happen, including lots of
moment of chance of estrangement, excitement, or surprise.
Most of the time, we fill our days with ongoing
connection, denying ourselves time to think and dream, we turn off our brains, giving us less chance for flights of fancy or
for brain light bulbs to turn on. Tout notre mal vient de ne pouvoir être
seuls : de là le jeu, le luxe, la dissipation, le vin, les femmes, l’ignorance,
la médisance, l’envie, l’oubli de soi-même et de Dieu – Jean de la Bruyère
However, as human, we may often be solitary in
our world, in our own bubble, but we need not be solitary beings. Isolation is
important in order to re-set the compass of our souls, but only partial and
limited-time isolation. Because those who make the choice of full isolation
estrange themselves from one of the great gifts that of also seeing our
marvellous biosphere through the eyes of others. Interconnection and empathic
knowledge of our human family are the high-flying flags of civilization. And we
must admit that it cut off the opportunity for normal, human social
interactions. I can’t deny that isolation in the nature allows us to think
freely but it reduces our chances for social pleasantries or small talk with
strangers.
And honestly, on the few occasions when I've tried total isolation,
I've grovelled my way back to the company of others because I always recall what
Jack Nicholson once said about the perks of staying alone for too long, it gives
him inspiration to write poems about suicide, and strangely it made me laugh. So
don’t go for a long-term isolation because it will only lead you to a slow
descent into madness, not so slow for some person. Quoique nécessaire, la solitude demeure mortelle lorsqu’elle est trop
longue.
Further,
there are principles, laws that I apply to myself. They're not like the law of
gravity, which pretty well guarantees an apple will fall on the head of a
Newton who sits under it, but following them, bring a balance in my life and
isolation can be an option but not the best one. So bye bye isolation. I’ll be
okay. Just not today.
There are
worse things than
Being alone
But it
often takes decades
To realize
this
And most
often
When you do
It’s too
late
And there’s
nothing worse
Than
Too late.
- Charles Bukowski
